Sometimes I feel like my life is nothing more than a hunt for myself. Every day I gather more clues to who I am, and with each clue, a little bit more light is shed onto parts of me that I never knew before. There are many ways in which these truths reveal themselves. Sometimes they come through sacred times of contemplation: sitting in my living room watching the ships float by; watching people interact with each other in a coffee shop (oddly enough, this one usually involves children); music lyrics that were written just for me. Other times they come directly from the people I encounter. Sometimes they are people who know me nearly as well as I know myself. They are able to hear my present, remember my past, put them together and reflect a more whole picture of myself to me. Once in awhile it’s the kids I take care of. They unknowingly and innocently share something in their blunt and sweet honesty that I had been blind to before them. And quite frequently it’s people who don’t need to know and see everything… they come along simply as gifts with the right amount and kind of wisdom for me in that moment. What I love about this hunt is that on one day I will think that I can see the picture clearly, only to realize a few days later that I only had part of it right. I have layers and layers to discover each new day.

A friend sent me this quote from Anne Lamott. Today it pretty much sums up my life:

“…every time I say yes when I mean no, I am abandoning myself, and I end up feeling used or resentful or frantic. But when I say no when I mean no, it’s so sane and healthy that it creates a little glade around me in which I can get the nourishment I need. Then I help and serve people from a place of real abundance and health, instead of from this martyred mentally ill position, this open space in a forest about a mile north of Chernobyl.”

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